I’m just aand commit mistakes sometimes. I only had a short affair. And it was a long time ago. Months later the truth came to light. I love my family and don’t want our marriage to end. But how could she ever again trust Me? I desperately wanted to be forgiven for the past, and find a way for the marriage to continue.
Here are the steps which illustrates how many couples can rebuild trust and transform their nightmares:
: Make a Clear Decision
When there is an infidelity, there’s a decision to be made. The unfaithful party must immediately cease all contact with the person they have been seeing; no phone calls, no emails, no texts, no cards or notes, no drive-bys. My essential first step was to commit willingly and wholeheartedly to emotional and physical fidelity – and to mean it.
Step 2: Shift fromto Remorse
I felt guilty about my affair and horrible about myself. Unfortunately feeling guilty didn’t help at all. It led me to be quiet and distnce to my. What I couldn’t see was that as a result my wife felt shut out. This formed a downward spiral, leaving her feeling even more tense, unhappy, and unloved.
Guilt is useless! Don’t let it ruin your relationship. Guilty people are so absorbed in their own feelings that they can’t even see what is happening for someone else. My guilt was driving my wife even further away from me.
The dramatic change came when I made the huge shift from guilt to remorse, and focused on the pain my wife was experiencing. I got interested in what was going on to her. Feeling compassionate rather than self critical, I was able to create a connection with my family rather than distance.
Step 3: Be willing to sit and listen
If you are going to leave an affair behind, sooner or later you have to talk about it. I let my wife ask for whatever details she wanted to hear. What’s more, I needed to listen to her feelings of betrayal and hurt in a supportive way.
To make it easier, we worked together to bring respect to our conversation eliminating shame, blame and learned to focus on our own deeper feelings and express them.
We found a deep understanding of one another. A deep connection was building, perhaps deeper than what we have ever experienced before.
Step 4: Re-imagine your role in the relationship
Although I understood my wife’s pain, internally I still had plenty of excuses in what I did. I wanted to justify my actions to her in some way, but every time I did I undermined my attempts to rebuild trust.
I knew that I would have to be able to absorb my wife’s anger. Just like in Aikido. I worked on calming my reactive tendencies with breathing exercises, used music to calm myself, and learned to sit in a grounded position when we talked.
Creating new mental images was another important step. In addition to seeing the pain I had caused, I also recalled positive times in years that we are together, and all the things that led me to fall in love with her. All of these actions helped my romantic, creative side come alive, and I began to court her again.
Step 5: When it’s time – explore and repair
Up until now, I’m trying my best to show my love and understand her. But it takes two to make a relationship. For complete healing, we need to seek to‘s and our families help.
The bottom line here is to forgive each other and not to forget the lessons in the past. Life is too short. We need to determined what we want and need most in our life.
I’m not proud of what I did. I regret everyday that I hurt the people loves me most. I love you so much Beh!