What is an Affair?
I actually got this concept from a very old episode of Oprah. Basically what she said, is that it is cheating if you would behave differently if your partner were watching.
That is an excellent definition. For many people an affair means sex. But for other people an affair is anything flirtatious. For some couples, certain behaviors are totally acceptable, like going to a go-go bar, or flirting online in a chat room. For others, such behavior is cheating. Some couples have an open relationship where they can engage in extra-marital sexual situations, but many of those couples have their own rules, such as – no kissing, no friends, no second times.
It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.
So, you and your spouse agree on parameters for your own relationship. And your partner breaks that agreement.
TYPES OF AFFAIRS
There are many different kinds of affairs.
1 – There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas. “Oops. Sex Happened. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
2 – There is the kind where it’s all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Workmates, partners, online chat-rooms… “Since I didn’t actually have sex, it’s not cheating.”
3 – And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. “This isn’t just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart.”
AFTER AN AFFAIR
Can you forgive a partner that violates the agreement you’ve made together regarding cheating? Can the marriage survive in a healthy way? That depends.
The first thing you really need to consider is, what kind of affair it was. Let’s bluntly break it down.
1 – If it was an “Oops, sex happens” thing, I think from the three types of affairs I described above, this is the easiest to forgive. I’m not saying it’s OK, justified, or acceptable on any level. I’m not even saying I would forgive it. But if anyone were to forgive any kind of cheating, I can understand this one the most.
In this situation, someone’s head and heart can still belong to you. The flesh was weak. Stupid. Drunk. An opportunist. In a very general way, I can understand forgiving a mistake. ‘Still not saying I would, but I can understand.
2 – If it were the affair I described in the second example, that’s much more than “a mistake.” It’s purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn’t happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying… to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone’s pants fell off.
Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn’t know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn’t have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.
This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.
3 – The third situation I described above is the full fledged Affair. The whole big enchilada. Purposeful planned meetings, sex and intimacy, closeness and conversation… an Affair, that goes on over a period of time. The ultimate betrayal of every thing that should mean any thing to your partner.
Is it possible to forgive and forget that third example? That full fledged purposeful intentional affair of the heart, mind, and body?
I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?
If this is where you are, you really need to ask yourself what the real reason is for you to even entertain staying married to this person.
If your reason is “for the children” please think again. Do you really want to teach your children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people you pretend to love is OK? You aren’t showing your kids what it is to forgive; you are only showing your kids what it is to be a doormat.
Any person who grew up as a child in a household that “stayed together for the children” will tell you what I’m saying. I promise – any one of them will back me up. Many books have been written on this subject, on the guilt those children feel when they grow up for the parent’s being miserable, on the lessons they take away from living like that. It’s the dumbest reason in the world to stay together.
If your reason to want to work it out is that you still love this person, think about what self respect means. Get a little therapy. Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It’s a horrible lesson for your children. It’s soul sickening.
Let’s make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they’ve said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you.
A HEALTHY EVER-AFTER
The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn’t worth it.
There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she’s fucked-up, maybe he’s just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn’t been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.
The problem isn’t that “problems” cropped up.
The problem is your mate’s CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.
A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.
Your mate should have come to you. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn’t work it out, then your mate should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If your partner was that unhappy, they should have gotten out of the relationship.If they loved and respected you at all, that’s what they would have done.
IF YOU KNOW ABIGAIL AQUINO ATIENZA?
I’M WARNING YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!
SHE IS A HOME WRECKER BITCH!!!!
WHO PRETENDS TO BE A CHRISTIAN!!!
THIS GIRL FUCK EVER GUY SHE MEETS… “A CERTIFIED PROSTITUTE”
SHAME ON YOURSELF BITCH!!!
I HOPE YOUR FAMILY KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!
GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!
I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE SUCH A SHAMELESS HOME WRECKER BITCH LIKE YOU!!!
“I will ALWAYS be the ORIGINAL and that’s something that YOU will NEVER be. LOSER!!!” =P
Let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled. For God will judge the SEXUALLY IMMORAL and ADULTEROUS. – Hebrews 13:4
Falling in love with a married man is something women have been doing for a long time. Being a mistress is nothing new, but is it worth it?
So many women get involved with a married man because he makes promises of leaving his wife and getting into a committed relationship with them, and they usually end up waiting forever for him or end up just being his mistress- nothing more. The first thing you need to do before getting officially involved with a married man is to ask yourself some serious questions.
The following questions will help you decide whether or not being a mistress is worth it.
Why a Married Man?
It is important that you ask yourself why you would want to get involved with a married man in the first place? There are plenty of single men out there for you to get to know. If you did not know he was married at first, then perhaps you should ask yourself if you would want to get involved with a man who lied to you about his marital status.
Prepared to be Second Priority?
One thing you should always keep in mind is that his wife and family will always come before you, no matter how many problems he claims to have at home. Keeping you as his secret mistress is an obvious sign that he is not ready to lose his spouse. If he was, then he would just leave her and be with you, but instead- he has chosen to spare her the pain and embarrassment because he loves her- and will continue to keep you a secret for as long as you let him. Are you ready to be second priority?
Being a mistress will play a big role on your self-esteem, making you slowly start to feel bad about yourself. You will feel alone and not important, because all you are is a secret mistress- no matter how much he tells you he loves you- you will still not be getting that official healthy committed relationship that you will eventually need and want for yourself. So do not neglect yourself and be sure to do a self-esteem check.
Are you ready to wait a long time?
Getting involved with a married man is complicated and the relationship will be filled with repeated promises that will work at first, but will later leave you feeling helpless and restless. He will never just drop his wife and family for you, so ask yourself if you are ready to wait a long time for him to finally finalize his divorce- if he gets one. It is common for men to decide that they want to make their marriage work after all, so are you ready to not just wait a long time, but perhaps even end up not being with him in the end? These are all essential question that you must answer honestly. Sure, having an affair can be fun, but when that stage of excitement slowly wears off and you enter another stage where you crave that closeness of an official one on one committed relationship, then you will start feeling the stress and pain of being a mistress. There are of course chances that he will end up leaving his wife for you- but is it worth waiting around to find out if that will happen? There are no guarantees.
The brain is an often-overlooked erogenous zone. Sexual excitement starts in your head and works its way down. Depression can dampen your desire and can lead to erectile dysfunction. Ironically, many of the drugs used to treat depression can also suppress your sex drive and make it harder to get an erection.
You might consider having a few drinks to get in the mood, but overindulging could make it harder for you to finish the act. Heavy alcohol use can interfere with erections, but the effects are usually temporary. The good news is that moderate drinking — one or two drinks a day — might have health benefits like reducing heart disease risks. And those risks are similar to erectile dysfunction risks, too.
The contents of your medicine cabinet could affect your performance in the bedroom. A long list of common drugs can cause ED, including certain blood pressure drugs, pain medications, and antidepressants. Street drugs like amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana can cause sexual problems in men, too.
It’s not easy to get in the mood when you’re overwhelmed by responsibilities at work and home. Stress can take its toll on many different parts of your body, including your penis. Deal with stress by making lifestyle changes that promote well-being and relaxation, such as exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and seeking professional help when appropriate.
Anger can make the blood rush to your face, but not to the one place you need it when you want to have sex. It’s not easy to feel romantic when you’re raging, whether your anger is directed at your partner or not. Unexpressed anger or improperly expressed anger can contribute to performance problems in the bedroom.
Worrying that you won’t be able to perform in bed can make it harder for you to do just that. Anxiety from other parts of your life can also spill over into the bedroom. All that worry can make you fear and avoid intimacy, which can spiral into a vicious cycle that puts a big strain on your sex life — and relationship.
Carrying extra pounds can impact your sexual performance, and not just by lowering your self-esteem. Obese men produce less of the male hormone testosterone, which is important for sexual desire and producing an erection. Being overweight is also linked to high blood pressure and hardening of the arteries, which can reduce blood flow to the penis.
When you don’t like what you see in the mirror, it’s easy to assume your partner isn’t going to like the view, either. A negative self-image can make you worry not only about how you look, but also how well you’re going to perform in bed. That performance anxiety can make you too anxious to even attempt sex.
Low libido isn’t the same as erectile dysfunction, but a lot of the same factors that stifle an erection can also dampen your interest in sex. Low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, and certain medications can all reduce your sex drive. When all those worries are tied up with making love, your interest in sex can take a nosedive.
Many different health conditions can affect the nerves, muscles, or blood flow that is needed to have an erection. Diabetes, high blood pressure, hardening of the arteries, spinal cord injuries, and multiple sclerosis can all contribute to ED. Surgery to treat prostate or bladder problems can also affect the nerves and blood vessels that control an erection.
It can be embarrassing to talk to your doctor about your sex life, but it’s the best way to get treated and get back to being intimate with your partner. Your doctor can pinpoint the source of the problem and may recommend lifestyle interventions like quitting smoking or losing weight. Other treatment options are ED drugs, hormone treatments, a suction device that helps create an erection, or counseling.
Sex scene #1: You’re just not interested any more.
It might be: Low testosterone
Lots of things can cause your sex drive to shift into neutral: work stress, falling out of love, lack of sleep. But what if those things don’t apply and you’d still rather count sheep than make love? Or if the sights and touches that once turned you on leave you literally unmoved? You might have a hormone out of whack.
“Testosterone is the most important metabolic hormone for men. If it’s low, you’re at increased risk for osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, coronary artery disease, metabolic syndrome, and premature death — and your only symptom may be low libido.”
What to do: Get your testosterone level checked with a simple blood test. Make the appointment for before 10 a.m. When levels are highest. If yours is low, you’ll be referred to a urologist or endocrinologist who can help you evaluate treatment options, which include testosterone supplements.
Sex scene #2: You’re just not interested — and you’re feeling down, too.
It might be: Depression — or depression meds
Loss of interest in sex is a classic sign of clinical depression. Yet the treatment for depression can have the same side effect. Talk about a catch-22. Drugs in the SSRI family of antidepressants (including Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft) have been found in many studies to zap desire in both men and women. (They can also cause anorgasmia — the inability to climax.)
What to do: If you haven’t been diagnosed with depression and you’re feeling low (along with experiencing low libido and other common symptoms of depression), mention all this to a doctor. Clinical depression is highly treatable with talk therapy and medication. If you’re currently being treated with an antidepressant, ask your prescribing doctor about switching to a class of drugs less associated with sexual side effects, such as bupropion (Wellbutrin). Ask, too, about taking a “drug holiday” from an SSRI if you’re on one; some doctors endorse quitting these meds for a day or two at a time in order to allow libido to bloom.
Sex scene #3: More and more often, you can’t hold an erection.
It might be: A heart problem (the cardiovascular kind, not the romantic kind)
Say you’re a relatively healthy midlife guy, a little overweight, and you start having erectile trouble. Count yourself lucky. It might be your tip-off that you’re three to five years away from coronary artery disease. “Two-thirds of men who have had heart attacks had erectile dysfunction (ED) that predated angina by at least three years.” “Men are increasingly being diagnosed with ED due to low blood flow, which increases their chance of heart disease.”
What to do: Get your cholesterol checked. It’s abnormal in 75 percent of men with ED. “ED isn’t just about having bad sex; it’s a window to your vascular health,” he says. And before things worsen, start exercising and lose weight.
Sex scene #4: You suddenly can’t get it up — but you were fine last month.
It might be: A blocked artery, especially if your leg mysteriously hurts too
The occasional limp penis is a casualty of naturally decreasing hormone levels as men age and experience changes in relationships, says Adam Tierney, a urologist with Dean Health Systems in Madison, Wisconsin. But what happens when ED comes on suddenly? An unusual but worrisome cause is aortoiliac occlusive disease, or Leriche’s syndrome, a narrowing of a heart artery due to blockage.
Hallmarks of Leriche’s syndrome: erectile problems that come on suddenly (one week you’re fine, and the next you have persistent issues) and are accompanied by pain in the leg (especially the calf) or the buttock, especially when you walk or exercise. People with problems of the nervous system (Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis, diabetes) are at higher risk, as are smokers and those with high blood pressure.
What to do: Report this unusual combination of symptoms to your doctor. “It’s another kind of blood flow issue.”
Sex scene #5: Your penis aches while you’re having intercourse.
It might be: Peyronie’s disease
Peyronie’s disease, an uncommon condition that can develop at any age, is the formation of abnormal scar tissue under the penile skin, which can cause a hardened spot in the middle or make the penis bend slightly when erect. It’s often simply noticed as a constant discomfort during intercourse. “Some guys come in and say, ‘My penis just aches when I have sex.'”
What to do: Always take pain as a sign something’s amiss — and tell your doctor. Peyronie’s cause is unknown, but it’s not an STD or a cancer. (It sometimes runs in families.) There’s no surefire treatment, although surgery is often successful.
Sex scene #6: Your partner, touching you, asks, “Hey, what’s that?”
It might be: Testicular cancer
Testicular cancer is asymptomatic — it doesn’t hurt. But it often presents as a painless bump or swelling on the testicle, which can be detected through self-exam (a good monthly habit) or by a partner’s roaming hands during sex.
What to do: Testicular cancer has a near-100-percent cure rate in early stages, so don’t ignore a lump; get yourself to a doctor. The best time for self-exams: standing up in a hot shower, when your muscles are relaxed.
Sex scene #7: You ejaculate way too quickly.
It might be: Hyperthyroidism
Premature ejaculation (PE) — climaxing either before intercourse or very soon after it begins — is the bane of younger men but can strike at any age. How soon is too soon is a relative issue, but a general rule of thumb is that PE is a problem when it routinely strikes without any control within a couple of minutes of insertion and sooner than either partner would like. As many as one in three men experience it at some point in their lives. Psychological issues (too excited, too immature, guilt) were once blamed for all cases, but doctors now know there can be physical causes, especially a malfunctioning thyroid (the gland responsible for making and storing key regulatory hormones).
“For some men, the only symptom of hyperthyroidism is premature ejaculation.” One 2005 study found that fully half of men with a malfunctioning (hyper) thyroid complained of PE.
What to do: Though premature ejaculation is hard for many men to talk about, it’s highly treatable. If blood tests and an exam point to hyperthyroidism, medication can return your sex life to normal. And if your thyroid checks out OK? Therapies that thwart PE include breathing exercises, distraction, using a condom to diminish sensation, and behavioral therapies. SSRI-class antidepressants are also prescribed because healthy people without PE, they cause delayed orgasm.
Sex scene #8: When you ejaculate, it hurts.
It might be: A muscle spasm disorder, or prostatitis
In women, there’s a condition known as vulvodynia, mysteriously chronic pain of the vulva (around the vaginal opening). Penile pain at orgasm is thought to be the male counterpart. The latest thinking on both conditions is that they’re some kind of nerve disorder, although it’s not clear whether this is in response to an infection or some kind of trauma, or what. It’s more often seen in young men in high-stress phases of life.
Another possible cause for painful ejaculation is prostatitis, an inflammation of the prostate, which is a gland located up under the rectum. “It’s a benign condition but an annoying one,” Tierney says. And the cause is a mystery in this case, too.
What to do: Dysorgasmia (orgasmic pain) is tough to treat. Some men choose to endure discomfort, while others work with a qualified doctor (usually a urologist) to try various treatments.
Sex scene #9: When you ejaculate, nothing comes out!
It might be: Your prostate meds
Retrograde ejaculation is a condition where you experience orgasm — but little to no semen comes out. (It exits through the bladder.) Alpha-blockers such as tamsulosin (Flomax), used to improve urination in men with enlarged prostate, are a common culprit. Sometimes diabetics also experience this due to nerve damage.
What to do: Nothing, unless it bothers you. “Most men don’t care, but some do,” Tierney says. A couple struggling with infertility would want to explore drug treatments or assistive reproduction techniques to remedy the condition.
Sex scene #10: It takes forever to ejaculate — if it happens at all.
It might be: Diabetes, or prediabetes in the form of a weight problem
In 9 out of 10 men with anorgasmia — the inability to reach orgasm — the root cause is psychological (anything from performance anxiety to work stress to a history of childhood sexual abuse). But in the remaining 10 percent of cases, there’s a penile sensory problem, most often caused by nerve damage due to diabetes, Tierney says.
Diabetics typically have other clues to the disease, including numbness in the feet, thirst, itchy skin, excessive urination, and fatigue — but they don’t always link the condition to sexual performance problems, which can include the inability to climax.
Overweight but not diabetic? “There’s increasing evidence that obesity itself is a medical cause of erectile dysfunctions and loss of libido,” Tierney says. “And obviously it can be a psychological barrier in the form of self-esteem issues.”
What to do: Ask your doctor about medications to treat ED, such as Viagra or Cialis, but be aware that because diabetics often have heart problems, these drugs aren’t always recommended. Instead: Don’t discount the healing power of lifestyle changes.
“People want to take a pill to make sexual problems better, but a pill won’t fix problems that are further back.” “Sometimes the best fix is to do the hard work of taking better care of yourself: stress management, losing weight, working on the underlying medical conditions.”
Source: Health Magazine
A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said: ‘Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I’m pregnant again. I don’t want kids so close together. So the doctor said: ‘Ok and what do you want me to do?’ She said: ‘I want you to end my pregnancy, and I’m counting on your help with this.’ The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: ‘I think I have a better solution for your problem. It’s less dangerous for you too.’ She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request. Then he continued: ‘You see, in order for you not to have to take care 2 babies at the same time, let’s kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we’re going to kill one of them, it doesn’t matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms. The lady was horrified and said: ‘No doctor! How terrible! It’s a crime to kill a child! ‘I agree’, the doctor replied. ‘But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.’ The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point. He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that’s already been born and one that’s still in the womb. The crime is the same!
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“Love says I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person. Abortion says I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself…”
Jesus sacrificed Himself for the good of sinners! That’s perfect love!